From Anxiety to Purpose

"Growing up, I was a very awkward kid and I struggled with what I now know was anxiety. My big hope was for people to look at me and to think that I was one of them. I thought that God and Christianity were all about morals, influenced by my family’s occasional church visits. I remember hearing a pastor talk about how we all failed to live up to God's standards. I knew that was me. He spoke of Christ's forgiveness and the hope it offered. I wanted that. I wanted to feel clean. I remember asking God for forgiveness, and from that point on, I felt like I belonged.

However, my understanding was flawed. I looked at the Christians around me, especially the mature ones, and decided I needed to be just like them. I was hiding and faking to do what I thought would make me one of them. This only caused me more anxiety, leading to a new kind of Christian anxiety. I would have said that my hope was in Jesus, but in reality, I acted like my hope was in how much I could do.

My life took a dramatic turn during my sophomore year of college when the doctor found a mass in my abdomen. The word "cancer" was a big, scary reality. While undergoing treatment, I spent hours waiting and reflecting. One day, I came across Joshua 1:9—"Have I not commanded you? Do not be afraid or dismayed, for the Lord, your God, is with you wherever you go." God stopped me right there. I felt peace and I felt hope. I realized that I didn’t need to worry about fitting in anymore; I was simply taking it day by day, knowing that God was with me even in the oncology ward.

When my treatments were over, I felt free of the rules I'd imposed on myself. I just had to receive from God. It wasn't something to measure up to. However, a few years later, when pursuing a dream of becoming a missionary, I faced another crisis of faith when the support never came. This led me into a deep soul-searching period, questioning not just my calling but my very belief in God.

During this time, I also discovered (I had) autism, which helped me understand myself better. I could see that I belong in God's family, not based on what I could do, but because of what He has done. I fit in His family. He made me this way on purpose, and that gives me hope. My struggles, my identity—they are all part of the unique journey God has designed for me."

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Westside member, Josh Caldwell, shares his journey from feeling awkward and anxious as a child to experiencing a profound transformation during a cancer diagnosis. As you reflect on Josh's deep encounter with God during this time, you might consider the study questions below.

Further Thinking

1. How are you experiencing God’s presence in your life. Are you in a difficult time? Does that change your experience?
2. In what ways do you feel pressure to fit the expectations of others? Is there freedom in Christ available to you in any one area that you aren't currently holding onto?
3. Reflect on a time when you felt God's presence in your weaknesses. Did that shape your understanding of faith?
4. Does your unique identity help you connect more deeply with God in a particular way? Does it help you interact with His community in a specific or distinctive way?

Transcript

Lynn:

Absolutely. So I just wanted you to tell me a little bit, what were you like as a kid?

Josh:

Growing up, I was a very awkward kid and I struggled with what I now know was anxiety, because I was trying to fit in at school and fit in with the culture around me. My big hope was for people to look at me and to think that I was one of them.

Lynn:

Yeah. So did you have any impression about God when you were young?

Josh:

I did. I thought that God and Christianity were all about morals. I had heard about God from my family, because we occasionally went to church, but one evening I know at church the pastor talked about how we all failed to live up to God's standards. I knew that was me. He talked about how Christ had come to forgive us and that we can have hope. Now, this type of hope was not something that I had previously experienced before, and I wanted it. I wanted to feel clean. I remember asking God for forgiveness, and thanking him for that. And from that point on, I felt like I belonged. I felt like I had what I always wanted.

Lynn:

That must have felt incredible. And then it makes me wonder, was it all smooth sailing from there?

Josh:

No. Actually, my understanding was flawed. You see, I looked at the Christians around me, the mature Christians especially, and I decided I needed to be just like them. I tried, in particular, to shake everyone's hand at church, and sometimes more than once just to try to look like them. This only caused me more anxiety. I was hiding and faking to do what I thought would make me one of them. It was a new kind of Christian anxiety. I would have said that my hope was in Jesus, but in reality, I acted like my hope was in how much I could do.

Lynn:

Yeah. So how did God end up getting your attention?

Josh:

So during my sophomore year of college, I began to experience night sweats that would wake me up. I lived with my mom after my parents divorced and she came home to me washing my sheets, and after hearing why, insisted I go to the doctor. The doctor found a mass in my abdomen. He then sent me for a CAT scan and confirmed I had some sort of cancer. Cancer is a big scary word, and on top of that, it was stage four.

No one ever tells you that when someone is diagnosed with cancer, just how long the treatments take. You sit around for hours at a time and you're just waiting for chemo to drip. You're waiting around between a biopsy and hearing the news of how that biopsy went. So I would sit around and think and sleep, and I would spend some time reading the Bible too. One day I came across Joshua 1:9. It says, "Have I not commanded you? Do not be afraid or dismayed, for the Lord, your God, is with you wherever you go." All of a sudden I just couldn't read anymore. God stopped me right there and I had to just sit and think about that one verse and how God was with me, even in the oncology ward.

I held on to that one verse through six rounds of chemotherapy, and as I got too weak to read and to pray as much as I had been before, I would mull over the Bible that I had memorized; the parts of the Bible I had memorized. Something different happened, though. I felt peace and I felt hope. I didn't have any concern about trying to fit in and look like the mature Christians around me, because who cares how you look when you're going through all that? I just took it day by day, and in the early days, sometimes hour by hour, just knowing that God was with me even facing what I was facing.

When it was all over and my life started to go back to normal, I realized that something had changed. I felt free of rules I'd put on myself. I just had to receive from God. I could hear God and know God, and that was a gift. It wasn't something to measure up to.

Lynn:

Yeah. Thanks so much for sharing in the midst of that hardship how God really broke through. And I'm just wondering, how did He continue to guide you after that?

Josh:

So, fast-forward a few years, and I was pursuing a big dream. I believed that God was calling my wife and I to go overseas as missionaries, and I was doing everything to make it happen; finishing seminary, working on raising funds. We were excited to see what God was doing through us, and we were wondering what God was going to do through us. We wondered what that would look like. However, the support never came. We never got to go overseas as missionaries. This started a very dark process of soul-searching; one where I didn't just question if God had called us to go overseas. I questioned my own faith. I questioned reality. I wondered where I had failed. I wondered if I could so easily misinterpret what God had said, was God even real?

This crisis of doubt also led me to do more soul-searching. The social anxiety I struggled with my whole life, never fitting in, trying to be like people around me, it was still there. I even started getting overwhelmed and tired from work. When I would try to go out to different places here in Atlanta, they were all super loud and I'd want to leave quickly. I had the same experience at church. Church was super loud and I wanted to leave it quickly. It made attending difficult. This caused me to research my own experience online, and I discovered autism. I would later have a doctor confirm that I was diagnosed with autism. This helped me to be more comfortable in my own skin, though.

I was understanding myself better and I was understanding God better. I could see that God is real, that He wants to be known. I could see that I belong in God's family as a result of what He's done and not based on anything I could do. Instead of continuing down the road of just trying to fit in and being like everyone else, I saw how God made me neurodivergent, and I could be thankful for how I am made and even thankful for my struggles. It reminds me of what God said in the Bible. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I am who God made me to be; and He didn't make me by accident. I fit in His family. This family, even. He made me this way on purpose, and that gives me hope.

Lynn:

Yeah.

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