Becoming a Gentle Man: Reflections on Faith and Growth

There are 4.05 billion men in the world. No two are alike. God loves variety and calls each one a masterpiece. So, I won’t presume to describe Everyman. Instead, I’ll describe myself, and perhaps you—reader—will see a piece of yourself in what it means to me to be a man. Just so you know, I’m still a work in progress.

I was the third of four brothers. No sisters. My father was one of four brothers. No sisters. He was a “five-letter man” in prep school sports—football, basketball, swimming, track, and baseball—and also a college athlete. One of my brothers attended college on a football scholarship. Sports dominated our dinner-table conversations.

Because of this, I grew up seeing athletics as central to being a man. In truth, sports are just one piece of a much larger mosaic of God-given interests and talents. My early notions of manhood were narrow.

Emotions, for example, were acceptable in my family—but only when tied to sadness. Tears were fine at funerals but not for injury, anger, or hurt feelings. The solution to most emotions was simple: Get Tough. That mindset made the first 10 years of my marriage to JoElyn… interesting. I expected her to act more like my brothers. Over 54 years together, that hasn’t happened. But JoElyn has softened my hardened emotions—chipping away at them with kindness, patience, and even the help of Anne Henegar. (By the way, have you heard of the Emotions Wheel?)

My view of manhood shifted again when my younger brother, a journalist in Vermont, passed away last year. In his eulogies, many described him as a “Southern Gentleman.” Growing up in the South, being a Southern Gentleman was something we aspired to. And while this is just my personal take on manhood, being a Southern Gentleman has shaped much of how I see it.

What are the traits of a Southern Gentleman? Here are a few:

• Speaks slowly and correctly. (Grammar matters.)
• Reveres Southern writers like William Faulkner, Harper Lee, Robert Penn Warren, and James Dickey.
• Lives morally by faith. (In dating days, he can be trusted to exercise restraint.)
• Puts others’ needs ahead of his own.
• Looks for opportunities to encourage others.
• Arrives on time and doesn’t keep others waiting.

How do these qualities reflect the gospel? Does Jesus call His followers to gentleness? I believe He does. Paul lists gentleness as one of the nine Fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23).

So, as Christ-followers, let’s strive to be gentle men. Southern heritage or not, there’s wisdom in the ways of a Southern Gentleman—men like Ivan Allen, Maynard Jackson, Andy Young, and Jimmy Carter.

I don’t expect to offer my brothers at Atlanta Westside any groundbreaking revelations about manhood. But I will say this: I’m grateful to be a man. It’s a privilege I no longer take for granted. And now, I hope you’ve caught a glimpse of what manhood looks like through the eyes of one of your older brothers.